Seeds and Eggs.

I met up with a friend today for coffee and conversation, and after cake the conversation turned to gardening. We had been discussing my recent experiences, and my frustration at not being able to know where I'm going or what I can do to make the pain and confusion go away. As an analogy for life, she explained that all growth in life needs to be organic. You can't force anything to happen, she said. You can only plant the seeds, give them what they need, and wait for growth to occur.

What if the seeds don't grow? I asked.

That's why you plant lots of different kinds of seeds, she responded. Because some of them won't grow. You plant them anyway and wait to see which ones do.

After coffee we went to her house. She let me pick some arugula from her garden and gave me some eggs from her chickens. As I looked down at the eggs she handed me, I noticed that they were different shapes - some were more round and one of them was tall and thin. And one of them was actually green! There were two brown ones of different shades and an off-white one, too.

Do they taste different? I asked. Not really, she said.

They are shaped differently, they are different colors, and they come from totally different types of chickens, but when it comes down to it, despite their beautiful uniqueness, they are all eggs. And they would all make equally wonderful baby chickens (or delicious omelettes).

I guess I was struck by that because I feel like my life is really throwing me for a loop lately. Everything I was counting on disappeared. I've been waiting for help finding my path, but instead I'm finding out that there is no path. There is only now. And no matter what "now" looks like, life will work out just fine. I will make beautiful baby chickens or a delicious omelette, no matter how different "now" is from the "now" I wanted or expected.

My friend suggested I listen to Pema Chodron, which I find quite fortuitous. I'm trying to be mindful of the present. I'm trying to be accepting of what I feel, and of what is, no matter how painful. I'm trying to be loving of who and where I am, no matter whether I understand or not. I'm trying to be patient, and let life unfold organically without forcing it. It's been difficult, but it's a struggle worth facing.

Collin and I made a tentative peace, thankfully. I am glad that he will be back in my life, but I'm having a difficult time accepting that our relationship will be different from what I expected, and at this point, very different from what I would have preferred. Our relationship is the green egg in my life right now. When it comes down to it, it's not the egg I expected, but it's just as good in the end.

I also told my landlord I'm staying in the apartment. I was going to move anyway, but the fact is, my apartment is cheap, and moving sucks. Either I'll get a low-paying job and be thankful to not have to pay higher rent (not to mention utilities hook-up charges), or I'll get a decent-paying job and be able to pay off some of that pesky debt! There's no need to spend hundreds of dollars I don't have to spend. I don't know which egg that is. The cheap one I guess.

The smart one. :-)