Ease On Down the Road...

Well, it's been a long day in the middle of a long month.

Today I realized that writing was the thing uniting all of my career aspirations, so writing it is. Yikes. I bought a book about different types of writing jobs -- how to get them, what they entail, how much they might pay, etc. I'm feeling good.

Of course, I still don't have a *job* but honestly it's been nice just to want to do something. I want to do web design, but the market is completely saturated, in SF *and* in ATL. I want to learn to do it still, but the more time that passes, the more clearly I see that I can't expect to make any money doing it for some time yet. So I'll keep applying for jobs, program coordinating, copywriting, etc., and hope that something comes up. I do feel like I'm on the right (write) path. It is just a difficult and scary path. But what trip worth taking is easy and boring? The harder you work, the more satisfying the outcome, I think. So I am going to work hard. And hopefully my hard work will bring satisfaction.

Fingers crossed.

Rejection. And Success.

I experienced employment rejection this morning. I know it's for the best, but I *did* immediately think of this song when I saw the email. Also, thank you so much for sending me an email. It is so rude when they can't even send an automated email letting you know that you are no longer under consideration. So that was good.

I am pleased to announce that as of this morning I have lost SIXTEEN POUNDS. I weighed myself three times to be sure. It feels amazing physically, but also emotionally, to know that I have a goal and I'm making quantifiable progress towards completing it. I think my original goal was 20-25 pounds. I feel like it's going to start getting more difficult now, since I've been at this weight or above for 5+ years, but I'll just give it my best. It's been surprisingly easy. I've just been eating fruits and veggies (raw or cooked, fresh or frozen only) and for dinner making plain whole wheat pasta or tofu for protein. Once I took out the empty calories from the alcohol and all the processed foods (although I do sneak an Amy's frozen lunch every once in a while...) and started drinking water, the pounds just fell off. I've also been more active - aside from pacing constantly out of nervousness, I've also stopped watching TV for the most part.

It feels good. And the best part is realizing that if overall, my lifestyle is healthier, I can splurge on, say, gnocchi with pesto, artichoke hearts and pine nuts every once in a while. Like yesterday. Mmmmm...

My Feelings About the Job Search in Video Format.

Because I'm too tired to think.






It's time for bed. It's also time for the weekend, but that basically just means more concentrated job search time at this point. I'm really proud of myself for keeping going. This experience has been nightmarish, but it totally makes me feel like I "get" the real world more. I've never done this. I've never experienced this much uncertainty about my future. And that's really saying something, since I spent 10 years getting my PhD.

Collin suggested I move out to SF and get a waitress job. That's cute that he thinks I would be able to afford rent on a waitress' salary. In all seriousness, at what point in the job search *do* I actually start looking for jobs that will just "get me through"? I guess I get my last paycheck May 31st, so maybe May 16th.

Something about being a waitress in a small neighborhood restaurant makes me feel really really happy. I definitely need a confidence booster. Oh, I got a rejection today. That makes three rejections, one phone interview, and 1,000,000 silent treatments.

I sure am glad I quit drinking.

Seeds and Eggs.

I met up with a friend today for coffee and conversation, and after cake the conversation turned to gardening. We had been discussing my recent experiences, and my frustration at not being able to know where I'm going or what I can do to make the pain and confusion go away. As an analogy for life, she explained that all growth in life needs to be organic. You can't force anything to happen, she said. You can only plant the seeds, give them what they need, and wait for growth to occur.

What if the seeds don't grow? I asked.

That's why you plant lots of different kinds of seeds, she responded. Because some of them won't grow. You plant them anyway and wait to see which ones do.

After coffee we went to her house. She let me pick some arugula from her garden and gave me some eggs from her chickens. As I looked down at the eggs she handed me, I noticed that they were different shapes - some were more round and one of them was tall and thin. And one of them was actually green! There were two brown ones of different shades and an off-white one, too.

Do they taste different? I asked. Not really, she said.

They are shaped differently, they are different colors, and they come from totally different types of chickens, but when it comes down to it, despite their beautiful uniqueness, they are all eggs. And they would all make equally wonderful baby chickens (or delicious omelettes).

I guess I was struck by that because I feel like my life is really throwing me for a loop lately. Everything I was counting on disappeared. I've been waiting for help finding my path, but instead I'm finding out that there is no path. There is only now. And no matter what "now" looks like, life will work out just fine. I will make beautiful baby chickens or a delicious omelette, no matter how different "now" is from the "now" I wanted or expected.

My friend suggested I listen to Pema Chodron, which I find quite fortuitous. I'm trying to be mindful of the present. I'm trying to be accepting of what I feel, and of what is, no matter how painful. I'm trying to be loving of who and where I am, no matter whether I understand or not. I'm trying to be patient, and let life unfold organically without forcing it. It's been difficult, but it's a struggle worth facing.

Collin and I made a tentative peace, thankfully. I am glad that he will be back in my life, but I'm having a difficult time accepting that our relationship will be different from what I expected, and at this point, very different from what I would have preferred. Our relationship is the green egg in my life right now. When it comes down to it, it's not the egg I expected, but it's just as good in the end.

I also told my landlord I'm staying in the apartment. I was going to move anyway, but the fact is, my apartment is cheap, and moving sucks. Either I'll get a low-paying job and be thankful to not have to pay higher rent (not to mention utilities hook-up charges), or I'll get a decent-paying job and be able to pay off some of that pesky debt! There's no need to spend hundreds of dollars I don't have to spend. I don't know which egg that is. The cheap one I guess.

The smart one. :-)

Limits.

I just had a vision of limits and infinity, from my high school calculus class. Basically, for all of you who don't know, remember, or care (!!), it can be represented graphically by a curve (function) that gets SO CLOSE to a line (an asymptote) over time that it looks like surely they will touch, but they won't. The line goes on for infinity, and so does the asymptote. (What do you mean, you don't like my explanation?)

Why do I care today? Because today, I feel like I am approaching the limit of what I can take. I really don't see how I won't get to it within the next 12 hours. I know I won't - I know I will keep approaching that limit until the day I die, but I would love to be a little farther away from it for a little while.

I don't see how I'm ever going to get a job - I've applied for at least 50 now. I won't start in with all the things I don't see how I'm ever going to do, but trust me. There are tons. Basically, everything I'm trying to do right now.

There are so many pithy clichéd statements I could make about how awesome I am, and how amazing I will be when I'm through this, but right now I'm just tired. I'm approaching my limit and at this point I almost wish I'd reach it already.

How's that for a new step?

It's been a rough day.

Taking My Tonglen.

If the journey is the destination, then I am in a pretty sad place right now. These are the moments when I hope that I will be able to end up somewhere else, because being present hurts.

Pema Chodron explains the tonglen practice in the following way:

In particular, to care about other people who are fearful, angry, jealous, overpowered by addictions of all kinds, arrogant, proud, miserly, selfish, mean —you name it— to have compassion and to care for these people, means not to run from the pain of finding these things in ourselves. In fact, one's whole attitude toward pain can change. Instead of fending it off and hiding from it, one could open one's heart and allow oneself to feel that pain, feel it as something that will soften and purify us and make us far more loving and kind.

I know it's good but it sure does hurt.

_______________________

After some consideration, I am struck by the lack of empathy I have shown in all of this. Of course I am in pain, but I can't begin to think I know what he or anyone feels about it. It *is* painful to realize that I have caused him pain in all of this, too, but I must have compassion for myself as much as for him if I want to come out of this more loving and kind, instead of more bitter and sad. It is times like these when it is so difficult to see outside one's own experience, but I think times like these it is probably all the more important.